Tag: ldr advice

Don’t Dismiss Me: An Open Letter

Dear family and friends,

This letter isn’t for all of you. It’s for a select few.

It isn’t for those of you who have unconditionally supported my relationship.

It’s for those of you who don’t believe that Richard and I will make it in a LDR; for those of you who don’t believe my relationship is valid because it’s a LDR.

How does being 3,226 miles away from Richard invalidate the something special we have? How does being on the other side of the ocean immediately do away with my feelings of true love and genuine commitment?

Richard and I may not be in the same place geographically right now, but we’re on the same page about our feelings and our future. The same way you may be working towards marriage with your partner – that’s how Richard and I are working towards closing the distance.

Oddly enough, we live in a time when technology makes time and space almost irrelevant to our communications. I can Skype Richard the same way you see your partner on a daily basis. I can message Richard the same way you leave little notes on the kitchen counter for your partner.

Of course, these technologies don’t take away the time difference. And that makes it difficult when I have something on my mind at 9:00 pm my time and 2:00 am Richard’s time…  

That kind of time difference and that kind of distance means that some days are easier than others, just like some days are easier than others in your relationship. Your biggest issues may not be distance or time difference like it is for me, but it may be money, school, work, busy schedules, miscommunications, etc. You know what’s interesting? Those same issues exist in LDRs. And if anything, distance and time differences amplify them.

Maybe the reason you judge my LDR is because LDRs are so different from what is conceptualized as “normal” for relationships in society. And I can only imagine how scary that must be – to let go of preconceived notions you are so comfortable with, to let go of opinions that have shaped your entire life up to this point.

But even still: Just because the only thing separating my love and me is distance doesn’t mean my relationship is any less valid, any less worthy of your respect and your support.

You love your partner.

I love my partner.

Don’t dismiss my relationship. Don’t dismiss my love.

Don’t dismiss me.

Love,

Cat

Inspired by the LDRBN Prompt: Open Letter

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Post-visit post

theoceanapart:

It’s known to every LDR couple that one of the most amazing experiences is meeting each other for the first time (if you haven’t already met). And it is indeed.

The thousands kinds of feelings you get are overwhelming and it is amazing to deal with all of them. But I should add that with that sea of feelings comes a big wave of emptiness. And that’s this ‘emptiness’ we’re going to talk about.

On the one hand, there are a lot of things I wish someone would’ve told me before I met Kevin in person that would help me a lot. And on the other hand I know that 90% would be useless because no relationship is equal to the other, which makes it difficult to give advices that will fit every single couple on the LDR community.

On the next topics I not only try to explain how to deal with the airport/train station"goodbye" but also to reach every single aspect that are common to LDR Couples.

After you’ve hugged and kissed for the last time in some weeks/months/years, it would be good if you tried to:

1- Be sad:

And cry, and be alone and feel like the world is ending. On the first visit I had, I tried my best to hold feelings back. I held my tears only to find out that I would have to cry them after that anyways. Let yourself feel just for the fact that it is a sad situation, no one would like to be separated who-knows-until-when from the person they love. Don’t try to hold it back and let things be, crying is good when you need to let a bad feeling out. Which takes us to topic two.

2- Lean on each other:

Don’t try to look strong or be alone. Hug each other and talk about the feelings you have about one of you leaving, you both surely are feeling the same way and talking about it may let the other person know how to deal better with it or be strong when you need them. You will learn to trust each other better and the post-sadness you’ll get will be way lighter, because you went through the rough part together. And that leads us to topic number three.

3- Have a “deadline” to your sadness.

The name of the topic says it all. Acknowledging your feelings is good, but you also have to start getting better and feeling motivated again.  I would say it’s the worst thing to do after the goodbye. You have to be strong, take a deep breath and know that in a short spam of time, your life needs to get in track again to keep planning on being together. It might get to you out of nowhere and go away as soon as it came. Your feelings will be mixed and you’ll be amazed to see how many good and bad feelings you can have in a day. Don’t worry, you’ll feel happier more frequently until you get back on where you were before the visit.

4- Make the last day an “Organizing day”:

Nothing worse then finding his/her sock somewhere a day after your significant other left. It’s good if you both make the bags together and organize stuff in order to make sure there are going to be no ‘surprise’ things left. That will hurt.

5- Be sure to leave something to remember.

As bad as finding surprise things around the house might be, having something to remember might be good when you’re not feeling too well. You will miss their smell most of it all, so I recommend something that has his/her perfume on it. As cheesy as it sounds, it will calm you down for a little while, specially a week or two after you’ve left.

6- Plan something small:

After a visit, you’ll both probably be broke. Plan on sending a letter and some treats within the first month after you’ve been together. Write about the trip, send them chocolate, sweet things that will remind them how good it is to be together. It’s also something to look forward and keeping your minds out of the fact that you’re not together. Expecting something good is one of the best ways of getting happier together.

7- Do what makes you happy:

As talked in the beginning, the strongest feeling that is going to appear is the emptiness, and it’s going to stay for a while.  Getting back on track might be boring. Same work, same room, same University, same people and it goes on. Find something you love and make sure you do it whenever you can. It will help you to feed yourself with some happy feelings that are going to end up helping you to deal with everything else. It will make you to feel better, think better and start planning for the next visit again. It will also help to make your Skype/phone conversations more exciting so you don’t only talk about how difficult the situation is or that your  day was not exciting.

Don’t worry, is just a lot of different feelings you’ll experience all at once that you’ll have to straighten up to. They go away and come back sometimes and it just shows how good your experience was and how worth it is to wait for the “hello” again.

To all of you that have never experienced a goodbye, deep breath and be strong, to the ones that are experiencing it now (including me), it’s not forever, soon you’ll have your countdowns again to look forward.

LDR’s are worth every single feeling you can have. It makes you strong and learn to have control over your own body. It will never be easy, but again, after the rain always comes the rainbow. It’s not different with us.

My LDR Journey: Give into the Fear

I’m going to be 100 percent honest with you guys: When Richard and I discussed being in a LDR for the first time a few months into dating, I was all for it. Richard, on the other hand, was not so much…

I learned a lot from the good and the bad from my first LDR, and I just knew that having a LDR with Richard was going to be no problem. I knew I loved him. I knew I cared about him. I knew I could commit to someone so special without needing to have that person physically in my life every single day.

Richard had never been in a LDR before. Thinking of living an ocean apart from each other after having lived just down the street from me for a whole year made Richard nervous, scared, and unsure about the whole thing. When Richard would get nervous about the prospect of a LDR, I would interpret it as his lack of commitment, his lack of enthusiasm, and worse of all, his potential lack of love for me.

But what I didn’t take into account at the time was this: Being in a LDR is like bungee jumping. If you’ve done it before, all you can think about is the exhilarating rush of jumping off the platform and experiencing the freedom of the free fall, making you feel more alive than ever! But if you’ve never done it before, all you can think of is “How do you drum up the courage to jump off somewhere so high only being tethered to a platform by a rope?!”

So instead of hearing Richard’s nerves in an empathetic way, trying to understand what it must be like to all of a sudden throw yourself into a LDR with the one you love, I was listening to Richard’s concerns with a filter dominated with impatience and experience, knowing that we had all the right ingredients to make a LDR work (commitment, communication, care and most importantly – love) and wondering how he couldn’t see that it was going to be alright in the end!

Using the bungee jumping analogy again: Instead of giving Richard the space to freak out over his first bungee jump, as all people do one way or another, I was just yelling “Richard! You’re going to be fine! I’ve done it before! It is so fun! Trust me! Just jump!”

Reflecting on it a few months after our first conversation on LDRs, I realized that I approached the topic completely wrong. Instead of telling Richard to push through his fear and trust unconditionally because his love for me should guide him there without a second thought was quite small-minded of me. I am someone who lives without regrets. So, while I wouldn’t want to take that moment back because it taught me so much, I wish I could have approached Richard’s nerves a different way by creating a space that allowed him to share his concerns, his nerves, his thoughts, and his feelings without judgment and with unconditional empathy. Ultimately, I wish I could have given him space to give into his fears so that he could move on from them in a safe way.

I know now that if Richard wasn’t serious about our relationship that he would have never entertained the idea of a LDR. The mere fact that he wanted to discuss the option with me and took my feelings on LDRs into account – that was the sign of his unconditional love for me. His nerves, his hesitation, his feelings – those were signs of his humanity.

It’s important to know the difference, and I have definitely learned my lesson.

Inspired by the LDRBN Prompt: Distance

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My LDR Journey: 5 Lessons I’ve Learned So Far

Six months into my LDR, there are so many things that I have learned. For those of you who are just starting out on your LDR journey or for those of you who are just interested in what I have learned, here are the top 5 lessons I have learned on my LDR journey so far.

Start from a place of trust.

To me, trust is one of the key elements in a LDR. I think that if I didn’t trust Richard, I would be constantly nervous about the state of our relationship. Not that I don’t have my moments of insecurities – I am human after all! But if I were constantly worrying about Richard straying or constantly doubting his words, it would really distract me from doing my part in growing our relationship in a positive way. I really feel like if you’re in a LDR with someone, you’re making a huge commitment out of love. So, why not start from that positive perspective and trust the person you’re choosing to be with?!

Subpoint to this lesson: If your ex or exes hurt you in the past, I know it’s difficult to place trust in other people again. But as someone whose ex LDR SO cheated on her, hear me out on this one: Do not let your current LDR SO pay for your past. I know it is so much easier said than done, but everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. More importantly, you deserve to start your LDR on the right, positive foot.

Keep your expectations realistic.

One of the greatest lessons I have learned in life, not just on my LDR journey, has been to keep expectations realistic, even to keep them low. If you guys follow Jenna Marbles, you’ll know that she posted a video on this exact topic, and she captures my feelings on it perfectly.

Ultimately, it’s great to have goals for yourself and your relationships. The problem, I find, comes when your expectations are just so high that as soon as you or your SO don’t meet these expectations, you get disillusioned with your SO and/or your relationship. And that leads me to my next lesson learned…

Take it one day at a time.

Just because all of the boxes are ticked on one day of your relationship does not mean that the rule will apply the next day. Every day is a new opportunity to grow. Sometimes you’ll succeed, and sometimes you’ll fail. I really encourage all of you to embrace that two-sided coin when it comes to your LDR. Remember: For a flower to grow, it needs rain and sunshine. So, take a deep breath and take everything one step at a time to grow the beautiful relationship you deserve.

Be open, honest, and communicative.

We’re so lucky that we live in a time where communication technology has grown leaps and bounds from where it was even 20 years ago! We have so many options to communicate with people regardless of how far away from us. But none of those options work without being open, honest, and communicative with your SOs in LDRs. If you don’t like something, say it. If you feel scared about something, even if you can’t explain it, voice it. Nothing you have to share with your SO is insignificant.

Without proper communication, I think a LDR doesn’t have much to stand on. The quantity of your communication matters less than the quality of your communication. So, if that means you have to talk 24/7 or only once a week, as long as you get fulfillment and joy out of your LDR, that’s what I think matters!

Take time for you.

I wrote about this before, but I can’t emphasize enough how important “you” time is in any relationship – LDR or not. Go out with your friends. Explore your interests – academic, professional, personal. Meet new people. Challenge yourself. Travel! There’s so much to do in this world and in life. Give yourself a chance and live life to the fullest!

Inspired by the LDRBN Blogging Prompt: Pre-LDR

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My Monthly 3: August 2015

I love that LDRBN is challenging us to think about our monthly goals as individuals, as a couple, as bloggers. I think it’s so great, and I look forward to setting new goals every month! I hope you guys set your own goals for the week/month/year. Remember: “Shoot for the moon! If you don’t make it, you’ll fall upon the stars.”

1) Be more consistent and frequent in my blogging.

While I have been pretty diligent about keeping this blog active, I know I can do better! And I really do want to do better for you guys! I am 100% here for you, and I want to improve showing that to you guys every single day.

As a sub-goal to this main goal: I would love to collab with one or even a few of the bloggers that I’ve met just in the past few weeks! It could be a video, a photo set, or something! I’m really flexible on the kind of project that it could be, but I would just love to interact with some other LDR bloggers on here. 

FYI: If you’re an LDR blogger and I don’t follow you, like this and I’ll follow you back!

2) Sharpen my French, improve my Italian and learn Portuguese!

theldrjournal​ (see, boo, I told you, haha!)

Basically, I’m going to live on Duolingo next month, haha! If you guys don’t know what Duolingo is, it’s this great app where you learn how to speak, write and read all types of languages. If you haven’t checked it out yet and learning a foreign language is something you want to do, I highly encourage you guys to check it out!

I have been studying French for a long time, since grade school. So, it’s just about sharpening my speaking and writing skills there. I started learning Italian in college. I would love to build on that knowledge in my spare time because it’s such a beautiful language! My mom’s best friend is from Brazil, and she’s planning to come for Christmas. As part of her Christmas gift, I want to surprise her with my Portuguese and maybe even write her Christmas card in Portuguese! 

3) Interact with you guys more

I decided that every week, I’m going to have a Q&A session. It might be once or twice a week. I’m going to devote an hour (or two) to hanging out here and answering any questions you may have about me, Richard and me, LDRs, love, etc. 

There is absolutely no judgment on here and I would give you my most empathetic, genuine advice. I want nothing but the best for all you beautiful people! 

EXTRA CREDIT: Do 1 pull up.

You guys this is so embarrassing, but I literally cannot do a pull up to save my life. I don’t know if I’ll be able to actually achieve this by the end of the month because I have never been able to do one, but anything can happen in 30 days, right?! *optimism* This is going to be one of my goals every month until I achieve it! I’m determined!

What are your monthly goals? Use the tags you see below – I would love to see what you guys have in store for the month of August!

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90 Day LDR Challenge: Day 22

Day 22: What do you think are important qualities for two people to have in a long distance relationship?

Cat: I think honesty is one of the most important qualities for two people in a LDR. I think there are a lot of emotional obstacles that come along with the greatest physical obstacle (distance), and if you can’t be honest with yourself and your partner about how you feel every step of the way or how you envision your future when you close the distance… I can only imagine that it would be incredibly difficult… And I’m not going to lie: It’s scary to be honest sometimes! Maybe you don’t want to ruin a good week or your love bubble, and trust me, I get that! But I think being honest with yourself and your partner will only help you in the long run.

Richard: Communication is very important. I find we do well, as we speak every day but in a way where we get on with our own lives. We don’t make each other feel bad if we aren’t able to Skype or if we’re busy etc.

If you’re in a relationship and your girlfriend/boyfriend asks you “are you okay? “

muvakita:

uhigh:

wordplayqueen:

Don’t lie to them. If y’all are in love, tell them what’s bothering you. They care. It’s okay to be vulnerable with them. Don’t tell them “yea I’m okay” and you’re not, because then you’ll be mad at them for not understanding your hurt when YOU HAVEN’T EVEN EXPLAINED IT to them. People can’t read minds. Give them the chance to listen, give them the chance to understand. Let them love you okay, communication is key.

this is soo important omg

^ !!!

Took me such a long time to understand this. I finally understand how important this is. Give into the fear of being vulnerable with your loved one – it’s so worth it!

Opening Up

Hi, guys! 

So, I’ve never really opened up on here, but I thought that as we’re approaching 300 followers (OH. MY. GOD. THANK YOU! WHAT?!) that I would share something personal with you.

My mom has been away for the last 2 months, and all day, I have been thinking about how excited I am that my mom is coming home tomorrow morning. It makes me laugh a bit because not even a year ago, it would have been something I dreaded. 

You see, my mom and I haven’t always been on the same page – and that’s an understatement in regard to some situations. And one of our biggest fights came when she met Richard for the first time. Putting it lightly, she was not excited about the fact that I was in a serious, committed relationship with him. 

I think some background information here would help: When my mom was 21, she almost lost everything in one of the deadliest earthquakes in recorded history. 70,000 people died due to the earthquake and the landslide induced by its aftershocks. My mom lived under a dining room table for two weeks until she was able to contact an uncle of hers, who picked her up and took her, my aunts and my grandmother in. From that moment, my mom devoted every ounce of her being to making a better life for herself and chasing the American Dream. And she achieved that Dream. And when she adopted me, she was at the sweet spot we all dream of: She was married to her soulmate. She was working a job she loved and gave her stability, and she was living the white picket fence life in the suburbs of the DMV area. So, naturally, she must have envisioned my soulmate as someone who would be able to offer this kind of life, if not better, especially because she worked so hard to come from nothing to become something.

Then, Richard came around. When I met Richard, he had just graduated from university and was on the job hunt. But more importantly, he proved to me that he had a heart of gold, incredible ambition, a great sense of humor, and a sincerity that still touches me to this day. From my perspective, he wasn’t where he wanted to be, but at 22, who is unless you’re a global superstar, a genius or the child of a billionaire? No hate on any of those people, but they’re rare, which is partly what makes them so cool. Anyways, Richard wasn’t where he wanted to be, but I could tell he had all the elements to get him where he wanted to be.

But my mom couldn’t truly focus on any of that. Instead, she focused on all of the negative: He didn’t have a master’s. He wasn’t 100% sure where he was going with his career. He wasn’t 100% sure how he was going to make it work when I moved to London. More than anything, the thing she didn’t like the most was the fact that he wasn’t someone she ever thought that I would end up with.

So, what’s my point? Why am I saying all this? 

When I go through the LDR tags on here, I can’t tell you how many times I see people seeking out advice for fighting the haters, handling the expectations, etc. I am so glad we have this amazing community on Tumblr where we can all come together and support one another when we face the negativity. I’m so glad the LDR community on here is incredibly supportive and most of all, empathetic.

So, I just wanted to say to all of you: When you know, you know. Keep fighting for the love you have. If your SO has a positive effect on you, makes you see the world in brighter colors and in higher definition, helps you get through your darkest days, does away with your darkest thoughts with just a simple call or a text: Gain strength from that! And if your parents, friends, etc. can’t see how happy you are, how you glow with every step and how you grow into the person you were destined to be because you have someone as amazing as your SO: KEEP. FIGHTING.

I know first hand how difficult it is to get off every phone call with your mom and be absolutely broken and devastated. I know what it’s like to see my mom off at the airport with angry tears streaming down my face. But when I look back at those bumpy times in my life and Richard texts me or calls me, I realize I made the best decision I have ever made in my life. And that feeling, not knowing your gamble was right but knowing that your gamble fulfilled your destiny, that’s worth fighting for.

Love, 

Cat