When you’re in a relationship, people generally see you as part of a unit. They’ll ask how long you and your SO have been together, how it’s all going, whether or not you’ll be taking major steps (i.e. get engaged/married, have kids, etc.) any time soon. When you make a decision, they’ll ask what your SO thinks about it. Some people will note that you look happier or have some pep in your step solely because you’re in a relationship (even if the reason has nothing to do with your SO).
But what about YOU?
A relationship is made of two individuals, who before they met each other had lives, interests, passions, careers (maybe) of their own. But when we get into romantic relationships, sometimes, we change. And note: This does NOT just go for women. I’m including men, gender fluid people – however you identify – in that statement as well!
That kind of personal change is actually quite natural! An incredible oped in the New York Times about the neuroscience behind love essentially explained how our neurological pathways actually get re-routed when we’re in love and in a relationship. The love that we feel for our SO makes us associate their presence with safety, care, and pleasure. From a neurological and psychological level, it makes sense that we change for the person we love, even if we change drastically from the individual person we used to be before our relationship with our SO was established.
But being in a LDR forces us to be away from our love and we spend more time with ourselves in our own space than most couples. So, while I could complain all day everyday about the distance Richard and I have to fight (and I’m sure I’m not alone…), I also recognize that distance has been somewhat a gift to me as an individual.
Distance gives me a reflective space.
I lived with Richard for about a year and a half before I left him to go back home. While there were infinitely number of positives of living together, the one downside was that I didn’t have was time for myself – just me, myself, and I. Now, maybe that sounds selfish, and some of you might be thinking, “God, Cat, you’re so ungrateful. You got the opportunity I’m dying to have with my SO!” I would like to clarify that I’m not ungrateful. I’m just being realistic about my experience of living with my SO.
Being so far from Richard has been really difficult because I love him. But it’s also given me a chance to think of things without having him in the next room. I’ve been able to really get in touch with my individual voice. What I’m so happy to realize about our relationship is that all the things that I believed while I was dating him and living with him still stuck and were still true. All the dreams of the future I had while living with him still hold tight to my heart. If anything, our distance gives me a gut check every single day about how committed I am to our relationship, and I think that’s really important.
Distance gives me strength
Because distance has given me reflective space, I have found strength in the voice I have found again. I hear my individual voice louder and stronger than ever. I admit: I’m very lucky that Richard finds this new (or what he would probably call “renewed”) strength in my individual voice attractive.
But let’s say for argument’s sake that Richard hated this newfound strength I have in myself. Well, I think that would tell me a lot about where my relationship is headed, and ultimately, I think distance would give me the strength to detach myself from someone so negative. It would be heartbreaking, there’s no doubt about that, but I think that the distance between us would give me strength to make that break.
Distance gives me new perspective
Ultimately, after being in the same city and same apartment as my SO for a while, being apart from Richard gives me new perspective on my relationship and on my partner. I’m sure the same thing has happened to Richard. My new perspective is rewarding because I feel like I have learned new lessons from past mistakes, and I have a new appreciation for our happiest times.
And interestingly enough, all of those gifts distance has given me as an individual have actually given my relationship an unexpected gift:
I’m falling in love with Richard all over again.
Slice of Life 